elusivedreams: (Default)
Since I began therapy sometime in 2006 and learned that I think in terms of all-or-nothing, the predominant theme of my life has been the struggle to find balance. Emotional balance, thought balance, even physical balance. Some days it's easier than others. Some moments are easier than others. Some topics are easier than others.

Sometimes it takes me a very long time to realize I'm stuck in all-or-nothing. A recent example: My goal to move to San Francisco. Until my daughter-in-law talked about moving to elsewhere in California, it had not even occurred to me that I could just move to *somewhere* in California first, then make my way to SF. That would accomplish part of my goal - move to California.

I could find somewhere more affordable than San Francisco, but in the kind of area I want (i.e. not LA), coastal, that has work I want to be doing.

I feel sad about the time that's been wasted because I couldn't see this middle ground while I was focused on the ALL of SF or nothing of staying put. But I'm glad I at least realize it now. And, in a conversation with someone else, I know there are even other options.

That's just one example. This kind of thinking is all over my life, and it gets pretty tiring. I'm working on coming up with a visual reminder so that I can be more conscious of balance. Visual cues work well for me. In fact, they're the best thing to get me to remember something.

When I figure it out, I'll let readers know.

Afraid.

Jun. 28th, 2017 12:42 pm
elusivedreams: (Default)
I'm supposed to be a success, but I'm afraid. The other shoe feels like it's dropping. My supporters all have their own stuff to deal with. I want to curl into a ball and cry and just ... not be.

Yes, I have tools. Yes, I will use them. But sometimes ... just sometimes. I wish I could hit pause.
elusivedreams: (Default)
Rogue One was a perfect way to start 2017. Yes, it's an arbitrary turn of a calendar page, a trip around the sun, nothing magical about this. But on January 20th, we will need to be ready. The Rebel Alliance will have to be on point.

It's not just fiction, it's fact.

I am one with the Force. The Force is with me.

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Celyn McKenzie

July 2017

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