Sep. 17th, 2017 10:14 pm
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Sometimes it just really does seem so hard to keep going. When sleep doesn't seem much of a respite, because I know that tomorrow is going to be really rough again. Things are going to stay tough for awhile, and there is little I can do about that but stay strong. Except I don't feel strong. I feel tired, and worn out, and done. I want to lay down and let ... oblivion? the void? death? nothingness? ... wash over me and everything be over. I don't care if there is anything after that, as long as I don't have to carry this weight any longer.

The only reason I don't just quit life ... reasons ... are the furry things that depend on me for their lives. No matter how hungry I am, or how depressed, or angry, or how much I want to give up, to my dogs I am their whole life. That gives me no pleasure or joy right now, it just is how it is.


Sep. 14th, 2017 09:32 pm
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Lately I've been fighting increasing paranoia. I don't know if it's the onset of menopause, or just ... something else. But it's getting pretty annoying. This is in addition to the real shit that's going sideways in my life.

My vehicle just broke down for good - the transmission went out. This is after the AC/heater died. Many other things had stopped working awhile ago as well, and my tires are bald on the inside, indicating bad alignment, which I couldn't afford to get fixed. Now I have no vehicle, and no way to afford another one.

I am still in a job that pays too little.

I've not done enough to get my own business up and running. There are things I could do, I'm just not doing them, and I don't quite know why. Perhaps fear. Fear of succeeding, or fear of failing, I'm not sure. Which just means it's my own damn fault I still have no money.

I could do more transcription, but I'm not doing that, either. Instead, I'm distracting myself online when I get off my day job. I ask myself why, and I have no good answer to that, either. My negative self-talk has plenty to say about that, of course.

Reality check? I got nothin'.

I don't think I'm doing anything to get fired for. I'm fairly sure I'm doing my job properly. I don't detect any switching that I'm unaware of, or anything I'm doing that is sabotaging my employment. I'm still paranoid about being fired.

I have no food budget. I'm not freaky about food like I used to be, but still. I don't like going to bed hungry. And I don't like not being able to buy the food I want.

I don't like a lot of things. But I don't do enough to help myself, I suppose. I feel weak, lazy, and angry with myself. It's so hard to stay positive, and to love myself. I wouldn't say these negative things to my child, or my friend.

Right now, though, I just wish I could cry, and find some relief. I need a reset button on life.
elusivedreams: (Default)
Since I began therapy sometime in 2006 and learned that I think in terms of all-or-nothing, the predominant theme of my life has been the struggle to find balance. Emotional balance, thought balance, even physical balance. Some days it's easier than others. Some moments are easier than others. Some topics are easier than others.

Sometimes it takes me a very long time to realize I'm stuck in all-or-nothing. A recent example: My goal to move to San Francisco. Until my daughter-in-law talked about moving to elsewhere in California, it had not even occurred to me that I could just move to *somewhere* in California first, then make my way to SF. That would accomplish part of my goal - move to California.

I could find somewhere more affordable than San Francisco, but in the kind of area I want (i.e. not LA), coastal, that has work I want to be doing.

I feel sad about the time that's been wasted because I couldn't see this middle ground while I was focused on the ALL of SF or nothing of staying put. But I'm glad I at least realize it now. And, in a conversation with someone else, I know there are even other options.

That's just one example. This kind of thinking is all over my life, and it gets pretty tiring. I'm working on coming up with a visual reminder so that I can be more conscious of balance. Visual cues work well for me. In fact, they're the best thing to get me to remember something.

When I figure it out, I'll let readers know.


Jun. 28th, 2017 12:42 pm
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I'm supposed to be a success, but I'm afraid. The other shoe feels like it's dropping. My supporters all have their own stuff to deal with. I want to curl into a ball and cry and just ... not be.

Yes, I have tools. Yes, I will use them. But sometimes ... just sometimes. I wish I could hit pause.
elusivedreams: (Default)
Rogue One was a perfect way to start 2017. Yes, it's an arbitrary turn of a calendar page, a trip around the sun, nothing magical about this. But on January 20th, we will need to be ready. The Rebel Alliance will have to be on point.

It's not just fiction, it's fact.

I am one with the Force. The Force is with me.


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Carolyn "Celyn" Martin

September 2017

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